DC Comics is sore from spending all of 2008 patting itself on the back over The Dark Knight, but maybe they should take a moment to explain why the rest of their catalog of heroes is having a harder time finding film work than the Coreys.

First, rumors were swirling that Bryan Singer was prepping The Man of Steel, a sequel to Superman Returns. Then Superman Returns actually came out. Suddenly, Big Blue wasn't the cock of the walk anymore, being less associated with the phrase "Most Powerful Superhero in the World" and more associated with the cries of "For the love of god, WILL SOMETHING HAPPEN IN THIS FUCKING MOVIE??"

Then, Wonder Woman stepped up. It made sense, seeing as she, alongside Supes and Batman, constitute DC Comics' "Big Three." But then that movie got lodged in development hell like some half-chewed steak in Joel Silver's esophagus. Rumors of casting quickly gave way to rumors of Diana being put back on the shelf.

Enter George Miller. The Mad Max director was all set to bring The Justice League - the DC Comics equivalent of the Dream Team - to the big screen. But he couldn't use Batman. Or Superman. Suddenly, what he thought was going to be the 80s Edmonton Oilers turned out to be the late 70s Washington Capitals. And the movie, predictably, died.

Now comes word - straight from the screenwriter's fingers - that the long-in-development Captain Marvel movie (you know, "Shazam!") is the latest DC property to be pronounced DOA. It wasn't long ago that Dwayne "Only Journalists Still Refer to Me as The Rock" Johnson seemed all set to play Marvel's main villain Black Adam (why does it have to be Black Adam? Huh?), and all systems were poised on "Go." Yeah, not so much.

So what's wrong? How can Marvel greenlight an ANT MAN MOVIE and DC can't launch anything that isn't dressed in a black cowl and punching Heath Ledger?

Maybe it's because...hear us out...DC Superheroes Are Lame.



Exhibit A: Captain Marvel is the alter ego of Billy Batson - a 10 year old who (cough) follows an old "wizard" into a subway tunnel (cough) and emerges with the power to turn himself into a buff adult (cough). Yeah, it's creepy as hell. Maybe someone realized that any hero whose origin story should have been interrupted midway through by Dateline's Chris Hansen isn't a solid movie property.

Exhibit B: On paper, Wonder Woman is hot. In reality...



...yeah, that costume is humilating at best.

Exhibit C: How cool can Green Lanterns be when this fucking guy...



...can be one? Exactly. Any wonder Robert Smigel attempted to develop Green Lantern into a goofball comedy starring Jack Black?

Exhibit D: Superman can't be killed, won't kill, and lives his life by the moral code of a 1930s farmer. Our superpower, apparently, is the ability to yawn for 70 years straight. Who knew?

So even though Marvel occasionally craps out a Ghost Rider, you have to give them props for having the cooler roster. Know why Batman rocks? Because he's the most Marvel of the DC canon. That's right, I said it. What?

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Movie: Iron Man 
Star Rating: 4 1/2 stars
I Said: "Iron Man is nearly note-perfect. It's genuinely funny, the special effects are bulletproof, the dialogue better than your average superhero movie, and the cast is flawless."
I Now Say: This one could have gotten the nudge into 5-star range, but I still feel that the ending showdown between Iron Man and Iron Monger could have rocked a bit harder. Yeah, this one's unchanged.

Movie: Frost/Nixon
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "The showdown between Frost and Nixon plays out like some kind of Rocky movie with rapid words instead of rapid punches." 
I Now Say: Not the most original sentiment, sure, but who do I look like, Pauline fucking Kael? (Well, not in this light anyway). I still feel that Frost/Nixon is really good, but, again, it's still got that new car smell.

Movie: Body of Lies 
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Director Scott manages to skirt too much preaching and delivers a tense, and gorgeously-shot, thriller."
I Now Say: Finally! Some back-tracking! I still think this movie is solid, but it was kind of forgotten pretty shortly after I wrote this review. When it comes out on DVD, the likely reaction will be, "Oh, right. That movie." I'd hack a star off that rating.

Movie: The Dark Knight
Star Rating: 5 stars
I Said: "Best. Movie. Of. The. Summer."
I Now Say: We'd only make one change, and that would be to amend that line to: "Of. The. Year." Nothing's touching Bats. We only hope Christopher Nolan returns for a third, because Brett Ratner directing Chris Tucker as the Riddler would have us with a bat-shotgun in our bat-mouths.

Movie: Religulous
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "While Maher makes no effort to concede to an opposing view, he is armed with two things that render his subjects powerless: knowledge of the subject's own religion (it's shocking how many have no idea exactly what it is they profess to believe in) and logic. It's a lethal one-two."
I Now Say: Hallelujah! Can I get an "amen"?

Movie: RockNRolla
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "After years of Madonna, Kabbalah, and two really shit movies (Swept Away and Revolver), Ritchie has wisely returned to what works for him: Violent British gangster films."
I Now Say: I still enjoyed the shit out of RockNRolla, but maybe it was too much to reward Ritchie for going back to his safety well again. Eh, I'd knock half a star off, because I'm still looking forward to seeing this again on DVD, and I do hope Ritchie follows-through with the teased sequel.

Movie: Burn After Reading
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "The movie has some tricks up its sleeve despite its total commitment to idiocy."
I Now Say: Agreed. Upon second viewing, the weirdness outweighs the funnyness, but I still think this is good stuff. On a side note: 4 stars—the most cop-out rating? I think so. It seems to mean, "I liked your movie, but I didn't like like it. You know?" So confusing. Any wonder I'm back-tracking on most of those?

Movie: Tropic Thunder
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Stiller is at his best when he has a specific target in mind, and he lets go full blast on Hollywood."
I Now Say: Eh, not so much. After sitting through it again, the movie doesn't hit nearly as hard as I originally thought. And everything that isn't Robert Downey Jr. kind of drags a bit. I think I was still giggling over the word "retard" when I wrote this review. Again—this ain't Film Comment.

Movie: Pineapple Express
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Surprisingly, it's Franco, not Rogen, who steals the show with the best comic moments. In fact, Rogen comes in a distant fourth behind Danny McBride (ruling the summer with Foot Fist Way, this, and Tropic Thunder) and Craig Robinson (the bouncer from Knocked Up) in the comedy batting order."
I Now Say: Word. I'm not sure if Franco, McBride, and Robinson warrant a four star review, but since this movie isn't out on DVD yet I'm going with the fond memories I have of sitting through this and agreeing with my original choice. 

Movie: The Wackness
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Although it smacks of Kids 2: The Quickening, The Wackness soon establishes its own laid-back, off-kilter, and completely endearing vibe." 
I Now Say: This one caught me on a good day. I still think it's a decent film, but four stars seems a bit misleading. It's not that good. But that's also not to say it's bad. So what am I saying? No fucking clue. Ask the stars, they seem to know everything. 

Movie: Wanted 
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "We're sick of watching our once-kick-ass action heroes getting their balls snipped off with PG-13 scissors (looking at you, John McClane), so Wanted's unabashed, over-the-top violence is refreshing."
I Now Say: Hear, hear. Wanted was better than anyone thought it would be, and I still think it's a total blast.

Movie: The Incredible Hulk
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Where Ang Lee gave us King Kong with daddy issues, Leterrier finally gives this superhero some heroics. Norton, Roth, William Hurt (as "Thunderbolt" Ross), and Liv Tyler (as love interest Betty Ross) are all on board with the concept and seemingly having fun."
I Now Say: Don't make me backtrack. You wouldn't like me when I backtrack. Luckily, I'm not. People loved to rip this movie apart, but honestly, it's the best Hulk movie they could have made. If you were expecting more, you're either fooling yourself or you're Peter David.

Movie: The Foot Fist Way
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Just get comfortable with the fact that you'll immediately want to see this movie a second time so that you can more accurately quote it."
I Now Say: If we didn't quote this movie around the office, we'd never speak to each other. I'd maybe give it an extra half-star for added awesomeness.

Movie: Son of Rambow
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "We'd never use the word 'love letter' in a film review because we value our testicles, but Rambow is a hilarious, sweet look at falling in love with movies, and generally just being an awkward 11-year-old boy."
I Now Say: Who am I kidding? I've never had testicles.

Movie: The Wrestler
Star Rating: 5 stars
I Said: "The Wrestler is funny and heartbreaking in equal measure—one of the truly rare 'weepy guy flicks' (in a good way)."
I Now Say: Maybe I'm still in the glow of this movie, but I wouldn't change a thing. This may not leap out as a 5-star movie, but I couldn't come up with a compelling reason not to see it.

Movie: Quantum of Solace
Star Rating: 4 1/2 stars
I Said: "Craig cements his reputation as the coolest, most formidable Bond ever, and the movie simply kicks ass."
I Now Say: Man, is the whole post going to be this boring? I still feel the same about this one, and I'm kind of shocked by the nit-picky critical reception Quantum got. Are critics that spoiled and useless? (The answer is yes).

Movie: Shine a Light
Star Rating: 4 stars
I Said: "Marty mixes backstage, concert, and archival footage to present a personal mini-history of the Stones without treading over well-worn material."
I Now Say: Talk about an arbitrary star rating. This could have been 5 stars, could have been 2. It really didn't matter at all. It's a concert film. Unless the thing was out of focus, what more could you say about it? In fact, why did I even review it? Are you even still reading this?


BONUS: The "No Stars" Class of 2008
Because nothing stings more than withholding affection.

Hell Ride - I hate this blog post for making me remember sitting through this movie. How's that?

Star Wars: The Clone Wars - So this is how Star Wars dies…with thunderous, awkward silence.

The Love Guru - I actually gave this 1 star out of, I can only guess, pity. I hereby retract that single star. Man, what a piece of shit.

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So how do you want to go?
After a great sunset.

Will you be going to heaven or hell?
I don’t believe in either; they are here on Earth. I will be going to have a snooze.

What’s the wildest thing you ever did while you were alive?
Stand-up gigs in a second language.

What book do you most regret not finishing?
All of them—I’m dyslexic.

You’re a big fan of Monty Python. What would you say is “The Meaning of Life”?
I truly believe that the art of life is to make your life have meaning. I don’t think it comes with any meaning built in.

As a history buff, If you could have lived in another time, when would it have been?
In the 1800s when British engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel was doing his thing—building trains and boats and bridges.

Name one thing that you’re glad you will never have to do again on earth.
Have Mondays, since all of my days will be equal now.

Thinking of your role in Across the Universe, what Beatles song would play at your funeral?
“Here Comes the Sun.”

Your Valkyrie character, Erich Fellgiebel, was trusted with military secrets. What secret would you confess on your deathbed?
That I’m a transvestite.

What are people saying over your casket?
They are mumbling…something about a cat…I can’t quite work it out.

Got any last words?
I’d just like to say thanks for the use of the atoms, and I like the blue color you’ve got for the planet. Now please don’t blow it up.

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You bet your ass it’s crazy!” So says visionary comics creator Frank Miller of his superhero noir The Spirit. And if anyone knows crazy, it’s Miller, whose graphic novels spawned Sin City (which he codirected with Robert Rodriguez) and 300 (helmed by Watchmen’s Zack Snyder). For his first solo flight as a director, Miller is taking on a 1940s pulp hero created by his mentor, Will Eisner. A believed-to-be-dead cop resurrected as a masked vigilante, the Spirit (Gabriel Macht) wages war against badass criminal the Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson) while handling more than his fair share of femmes fatales.

The transition from page to screen was an intimidating one for Miller. “It felt scarier than hell,” he says. “But it’s the same old game, telling a story with pictures.” The Spirit’s best visual effects, however, may be of the flesh-and-blood variety. “I had Scarlett Johansson, Eva Mendes, Paz Vega, and Jaime King adding production value I never could have dreamed of.” Less sexy, but wearing just as much eyeliner, is Jackson’s deranged Octopus. “I said to him, ‘Let’s make you the scariest supervillain who ever lived.’”

The shift from the more innocent tone of Eisner’s original strips to Miller’s balls-out style—epitomized by switching the hero’s trademark suit from bright blue to midnight black—has offended some Spirit fans. Miller doesn’t think much of the nostalgia-mongers. “If Eisner thought I built a dusty monument to what he did, he’d come back from the grave and throttle me. I owe him. I don’t owe the fans a goddamn thing.”

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So you're gearing up for a weekend spent in the dark with your girl—before you load up that NetFlix queue or get on line at Blockbuster, you need to have a solid, foolproof game plan.

That's where we come in.

Allow us to present our weekly DVD-siac Movie Three-Pack, a collection of recent releases and old favorites that we guarantee will get you lucky this weekend, in one way or another.

THE CHICK FLICK YOU CAN TOLERATE
Plan A: Show your sensitive side… within reason. Grab a "chick flick" with some redeeming value, so that you can stay awake along enough for her to reward your gallant display of sensitivity. This week, we recommend:



Love Actually
It's almost Christmas, and if you have to sit through It's a Wonderful Life again, you'll chuck yourself off a bridge. On the surface, Love Actually is a sentimental chick flick made worse by its overwhelmingly poncy British-ness. But hold on. It's actually pretty good. Billy Bob Thornton's sleazebag U.S  President? Liam Neeson mentoring someone who isn't a Jedi or a superhero? Keira Knightly? Naked porn-movie stand ins? All great. And when the character of Colin, whose only goal in life is to go to America to get laid, finally reaches the promised land, the resolution is both hilarious and prime fantasy fuel—sharing a bed with Casino Royale's Ivana Milicevic, Mad Men's January Jones, Sean Avery's Elisha Cuthbert, and American Pie's Shannon Elizabeth? Sorry, we just messed ourselves.

THE GUY FLICK SHE CAN TOLERATE
Plan B: She has a headache, she has to get up early, her football injury is acting up—in short, you're looking at a dry night ahead. But, hey, you still want to spend some time together, so forgo the romance and put something that leans a little more on the "guy" side without leaving her in the cold. This week, we recommend:



The Dark Knight
This one's a slam dunk. Even if she claims to have no interest in gadget-laden superheroes, she won't turn down a chance to watch a legitimate movie phenomenon. Besides, it'll fuel her interest in the upcoming Awards season—why not find out why everyone's clamoring to give Heath Ledger a posthumous trophy? Plus, director Christopher Nolan is smart enough to make this movie, well, smart—Dark Knight will single-handedly renew her faith in the genre after you made her sit through Ghost Rider and Catwoman. Don't blow this momentum when Punisher: War Zone comes out on DVD. That's one for your eyes only.

YOUR MOVIE
Plan C: That yawn means, "I'm getting some beauty rest, so why don't you put that diving rod of yours on ice and watch something without me?" The downside: No sex. The upside: You can watch the movie you really wanted to watch, her feelings or interest level be damned. This week, we recommend:



Wanted
So you don't want to waste the power of Dark Knight, but you still want your comic book action—slip Wanted in your player and wallow in unabashed gun porn. We're talking car chases, blood splatters, endless rounds of spent ammunition, Angelina Jolie's tattooed butt crack, and Morgan Motherscratching Freeman. Oh, yeah, this is perfect "me time" viewing. Granted, magic looms and rat grenades don't make a lick of sense, but do you see us caring? Not when bullets are ripping through foreheads in glorious HD slow motion. Something like that will take the sting out of the fact that your sex life is drier than a Palm Springs rehab clinic.

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